The Clicky Sound

Howdy, folks.

Welcome to the show.

I'm afraid there won't be a narrative today. I spent hours trying to put one together. The only thing I made was a mess. There's just too much and I'm too out of practice.

There's good news, tough. My hands are moving. I'm putting down words. They aren't the ones I expected, but they'll do.

You see, I'm recovering from episodes of bipolar mania and suicidal depression. Oh, and the associated brain damage that comes with them. Throw in the fog of a few dozen med changes and you'll get an idea of just how fucked my brain has been.

I don't know if it was the depression, the pummeled brain, or the meds, but, somewhere in there, I lost my ability to write. Words were gone from my head. Reaching for them was like reaching for something in the dark and missing. I could feel the space, but there was nothing there.

After two years, the fog is lifting. Words are coming back. I can hear them again. I can feel them again. They have weight and shape. But, I don't know if I can use them. I don't know if my writing is gone.

Trying to imagine life without writing is impossible. I hear static. A white noise. And, there's fear under that noise. Fear I didn't know was there until I started writing this. It was hidden. Low, guttural. Fear I'd lost my foundations. Not just my writing, but everything that makes me me. It was paralyzing. I couldn't write, or think, or... anything.

Then, I started making the clicky sound.

dedicated to Merlin Mann who put the idea of the clicky sound in my head