Lean, Step, Rinse, Repeat

I have alarms set for 10:45pm and 11:00pm. They’re to remind me to go to bed. The first one is the warning to start winding down. The second is the “stop what you’re doing right now and go the hell to bed” one.

I’ve been ignoring them.

Sleep is very important to me. Not in a high minded philosophical type of way, but in a this is critical to your mental health type of way. If I fuck up my sleep schedule too much it can be a sign that I’m slipping into a manic episode. Or, the cause of one. Hence, those alarms.

But, I’m a night owl. And, I’ve been doing a lot of streaming and coding that keeps my brain spun up. So it’s hard to put stuff away and hit the sack. Over the past few nights, I’be been pushing it. Not a lot, but definitely a little. The good news though is that I haven’t fired up into mania. And, this morning, I slept in and caught up on sleep.

I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never had this creative focus. Part of the reason for the late nights is I’m afraid it’s fleeting. That this period will be brief and when it’s over, it’ll be gone forever. But, as I continue to settle into it, I’m less worried about that. I think this is what stability is like for me.

It’s a pretty big bummer that I didn’t figure all this out a decade or two ago. Given what I’ve done over the past few weeks, it’s staggering to think would I could have done with a lifetime of stability. I hold few regrets, but this one hits me right in the feels.

I let that wash over me though. People say, “focus on the future,” but that’s not my thing. What I’m practicing now is moving forward. It’s not focus. It’s leaning just a little. The same way we lean forward to take a step. It’s slight and subtle but damned if it’s not one of the most powerful forces on earth.

2020

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