Nov. 3, 2020
Allllllmost missed this one. It wasn't as much because I didn't follow the routine as I didn't have a way to hold onto the routine. You see, I was in the hospital.
Fuck, now I have to figure out what kind of entry this is. Is this one where I just write and keep it private? Or, one where I draft through it then spend an hour or two turning it into a post. Or, the third option. Just burn through it from top to bottom. Then, do a one pass edit for glaring mistakes and just post it as is.
That sounds like the way to go. We'll see though, where it goes. I don't want to have to write too much. So, I guess, if you're reading, this is more for me than for you but your welcome to tag along.
Anyway, remember how I'd talked about having a little numbness in the face. I finally went to see a doc about that. I never lost muscle control in my face or the side of my body. If I had, I would have gone immediately, but this was just a kind of numbness. It started in the side of my face one night. It was late, so I just kinda went to bed. The next morning, it was less. I was concerned, but also, the past couple years have been so fucked I just kinda disassociated from it.
Oh, shit. I'm not trying to make this a suspense thing where I end with something like "and now, I fight for my life against whatever the fuck." Nope, I had a CT scan and an MRI and both looked just fine. This is a journal entry, not a play for dramatic tension.
So, back to that numbness in the face, it got less and less and went away after a few days, but would kind of come and go. More in my lips and on my tongue.
Yesterday morning (jesus, was it just yesterday morning?) it got more intense. Lips and tongue again. Not really numb. More like that feeling where you've had an anesthesia shot from the dentist and your lip is almost back to normal. Past the part where it feels fat and starts getting sensation, but while there's still a tingle to it. It was like that.
So, I went to an urgent care doc. Except, I almost didn't. There's a place close to my house. I drove over with the words in my head that I was looking for a "Walk-In Clinic". When it said "Urgent Care", I turned around and start back home. It didn't feel urgent. That's ridiculous sounding. At least, it is now, given that the symptoms I described to the docs led them bring all of modern science to bare in an effort to see inside my brain.
I finally talked myself into going by saying to myself: "Okay, your face being numb counts as urgent." Had to literally say it out loud.
The urgent care doc took a look and suggested I go to the hospital. There was a decent implication of "and, you know, maybe, go right now" even though he didn't say it out loud. (He actually pitched me on hospitals from the same company that owns his urgent care business. I decided to go the same hospital I went to for my bipolar stuff. I had good experiences there before so that made it easier to get my head around.)
I went in and had a perfectly fine hospital experience given that it was an experience in a hospital. The end is what matters. No specific cause identified but clean brain scans ruling out the scariest shit.
I'm pretty good about not feeling stress. At least, not actively, or acutely. But, I knew it was still there. Especially when it let go when I got each report back that the looks inside my skull didn't show anything that necessitated cutting my head open.
So, that's why it took me until 9:30pm to write. Would have been frustrating to have broken my writing streak on the third day of the month. Makes me chuckle that that thought is more in my head than any worry about the fucking brain scans I just had...
Anyway, the other import thing is that I made it out in time to vote. I wanted to vote on election day itself. Wasn't planning on the hospital. No one does. That'll change my approach next time. I'll get the voting out of the way early in the early period.
As for now, I'm beat. I haven't looked at any of the election coverage and I'm not going to. From what I've heard we won't know tonight anyway. Either way, me watching won't change the outcome. I'll see what's up in the morning.