Losing Confidence But Saying Fuck It

September - 2020

GoPro is officially in action.

I bought it in April but am just now getting it hooked up for the car vlog. (god, I dislike word vlog, but, what can you do...)

I bought a mount for it back then too. Should have put it up then, but wasn't up for it. Brain was still healing and meds were still adjusting. Until last week, I don't think I'd recorded either so didn't really matter that I was still using the phone.

It's interesting that I was able to do more recording in the depths of the depression than when I was on the tail end of it. The way I described the earlier part of this year is that it felt like I had had the shit kicked outta me and was finally getting to rest and recover. And, that's what it was. First the mania and then the fucking forever depression just pummeled me. With the depression, everything hurt to do. Not an intense pain, more of an ache. Like when you have the flu. That's what the body feel was like. Mentally, I still don't know how to describe it.

People say being in depression is like being in a fog. At the time, I didn't think that was right. I associate fog with hazy vision and it wasn't that. My eyesight was clear. Looking back, I can see how that might be the case, but it was more like a kind of tunnel vision. My peripheral vision was scoped down and everything was darker. Like someone turned down the brightness on a TV. But, things were too bright too. At least, they were part of the time. I don't think it was always like that, but it's hard to remember. Who knows, maybe I wrote about it?

Anyway, I got the GoPro up and running finally. I did the first recording yesterday. While recording, I realized it would be a good transition to just start posting now. The idea is all the stuff before would become "prequels" that I can start posting from the beginning, but that I can get this going. I kept going back and forth with the three ways to start posting:

  1. Go back a year to the first one I recorded and post it first. Start at the start.
  2. Start right now with the recordings where I picked back up a few days ago. And then go back and do the previous ones as time allows.

During the recording, I decided to take option two. Then, I watched what I recording. It's not great. But, I haven't really watched any of them, so maybe they all aren't so good. Seeing that, I lost confidence last night. My thinking turned to going back to the first recordings and posting from there which would give me a little separation from them.

But, you know what, fuck it. Some folks won't like it and some folks will make fun of me and make fun if it, but that was going to happen anyway. The thing that's really fucking with me is that, in my head, what I recorded was better than what I saw, but.... that happens with most things when you first start out. (See also, the wonderful clip from Ira Glass talking about getting started with creative works. I just re-watched it while writing this and yeah, everyone doing new work should.)

Anyway, fuck it, I'm going to post it. The priority will be the new videos and then I'll go back and work on the prequels between the present days ones.

I'd lost my confidence last night. I didn't so much as get it back this morning as I've rearmored myself with the idea that these are for me and the folks who are into them. Folks who aren't into them can find their own thing and anyone who wants to be a shithead can go fuck themselves.

Let's do this.

P.S. The other thing going on here is that by saying publicly that I'm launching the vlog, I'm adding a social commitment to the mix. That commitment adds more motivation to make sure I actually do the thing.