Figuring Out What Good Feels Like On Antipsychotics

April - 2021

There's a thing I've been trying to feel for. A seeming simple question:

Do I feel good?

I wasn't sure. Until today.

You'd think that by 46 years old I'd have that figured out. And for all the years prior to 43, I had. Then bipolar mania launched me into the stratosphere. Then, it slammed me into the depths of depression. The result of that ride was a little brain damage and a cocktail of anti-psychotics.

After a couple years, the brain damage has healed but the antipsychitocis are with me for the duration.

They change me, and they don't. I'm back to feeling like the person I was. Exept not. My perceptions have changed.

I"m having to recallibrate what good feels like. If you've ever done cocaine, that's how I used to feel pretty much all the time.

I don't feel like that any more. The meds dampen me. That's not a side affect. It's their primary job.

I've been trying to recalibrate. I couldn't tell if I felt good or not.

I can't tell when I feel good, or better said, I can't tell what good feels like.

This morning, I figured it out. I was looking for good feeling and the wrong tempo. It used to be here

Mania:

Meds: