Where To Start

the trouble is knowing where to start

where to find even the slightest of toeholds

~

school made it easy

show up. here’s your schedule and your steps

a conveyor belt

but now? out here? in the vastness of possibility?

and that fucking fear

of making the wrong choice

of fucking up the little time we have

jesus

~

fear is the mind killer

and the paralysis bringer

and it’s really fucking good at what it does

but, it goes both ways

~

we can bend it down

it’ll still be there

like the atmosphere

ever present, but something we can move through

~

so, what’s the knowledge? the approach? the magic to let us stand and move after the fear washes over us?

for me, it’s changing a word

Instead of saying “I’m going to try” something new, I say “I’m going to play” with it

~

trying something means I might fail

and it’s easy to think that that failing means I’m a failure

and that’s the root of my fear

I do not want to be a failure

~

but… if I’m playing… all that goes away

failing at playing isn’t a thing

~

it’s magic, that switch of language

I can look at anything and just dive in because when I use the words “I’m just playing around”, that’s what it becomes

If it ends up taking me somewhere, I can get serious with it. or, I can keep playing with it. or, I can walk away

whatever the case, I’ll can’t be a failure because I was just playing around

~

now, it takes practice and time to change your language

but, once you’ve done it once, it’s easier the second time

and even easier the time after that

because, you’ve found the place to start

2021-08-05T12:00:34-0400

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