The Lithium Years

The Dip

I finally remembered to ask my psychologist for my lithium timeline.

I started taking it in October 2018.

I went off it in the summer of 2024.

Not exactly sure when in 2024. It wasn't a change from the doc. I just stopped taking it. I couldn't stand it anymore. Not the way I felt on it. Actually taking it was the issue. Swallowing the pills made me feel sick to my stomach.

I was also dealing with a depressive down turn. I didn't refill my meds one month. I just couldn't get myself to go to the pharmacy. Then, I skipped an appointment. I couldn't get myself to do it either. I was meds for two or three months.

When I finally got back, I started with abilify. Then lamotrigine and modafinil. That got me stable. Lithium stayed out of the cocktail.

That's when I started to realize how much impact it had had.

Timing

One of the things I noticed the most on lithium was losing time. I'd see my therapist every two weeks but it felt like only 3-4 days pasted between visits.

At the time, I wasn't sure if that was because of the meds (and if so, which one) or the brain injury from my episodes. After I was off the lithium, the cause became clear.

I mainly noticed the lithium loss of time at the weekly level. It hit me at the yearly level too. Christmas felt like it came around faster than it should. It was more like every couple of months instead of once a year.

Reconnecting

It takes a while for lithium to get out of your system. For your brain to readjust to living without it. It took a few months before I started to feel a difference. It was several before I really started to connect back to time.

It's been like getting over the flu. One day you notice your feeling better than you were a few days before. You're not exactly sure when the change happened. It's not atomic. Being in one state, then instantly flipping to the new one.

A few days later you notice you're even better. You hadn't realized there was still improvement to be made until it happened. A few days later the same. Each time feels like your back to normal until the next time you feel better. When you get something new to contrast against.

Eventually, you stop getting the feeling. You really are out from under it.

As I sit here in January 2026, I can look back at the past year and a half. I've been stable and grounded for six months.

Time makes sense.

I can feel it again.

The Future

The wild thing is the loss of time compounded. I thought I was only on the pills for a year and a half. Two at the max. My jaw hit the floor when my psychiatrist showed me the six year timeline.

Unfortunately, one of the tricks with bipolar disorder is that med cocktails don't always remain effective. The combination that keeps you stable for years can just stop working. If that happens, I'll have to look at lithium again. A hard choice. Weighing the risk of having episodes vs the evaporation of time.

Both options suck.

The thought is in my head, but I'm not worrying too much about it. It's outside my control. If I have to cross that bridge I'll, do so when I get there.

For now, I'm content being stable and connected to time.

-a